


That Made Her the Adversary (Continued from Discrete packets Series)

by Soul Sistah Slash (Batagur)



Category: SG:A
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 04:46:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4208439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batagur/pseuds/Soul%20Sistah%20Slash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the aftermath of Duet and Laura Cadman's memories. Continued from Discrete packets Series</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd. Sorry about that. Feedback? Sure

Author: E. Batagur  
Fandom: SG:A  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: the aftermath of Duet and Laura Cadman's memories. Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not doing this for profit.  
Note: Not beta'd. Sorry about that. Feedback? Sure

  
**That Made Her the Adversary**

"I had this dream," McKay began. Then he stopped; the hesitation was uncertainty and discomfort. That much was plan to Dr. Heightmeyer. McKay sat back with an intense look on his face, a finger tapping his lips as his thoughts moved in coordinated confusion. McKay looked like he did when faced with a fascinating physic problem or a complex engineering conundrum.

"You only have to tell me what you feel comfortable telling me. Remember that, Rodney."

"No, no, no… I have to… I want to," McKay replied quickly. "I need to know what it means."

"Okay," Dr. Heightmeyer acquiesced with a careful tone. "Tell me."

"I've never been one to believe in all the hocus-pocus, mumbo-jumbo about dreams being some sort of pathway to a person's inner soul. However, I do know that dreams feed off of the things fed to our brains and get lodged in our subconscious." McKay paused and swallowed. "That being said, I'm wondering if what has been coloring my dreams lately is just residual from Lt. Cadman's presence. It seems likely, but there is so much of me… in the dream… what I mean is, the dream feels real to me. It feels like a product of me and yet…"

"Maybe you should try and tell me *about* the dream."

"Details. Yes, of course. The details," McKay looked away for a moment. "Okay, here it is. I have this dream where I am in Dr. Beckett's quarters sitting on his bed. Carson walks in. He looks at me and ask, 'What are you doing here, Rodney.'

"I don't answer. I stand up and I start to take off my clothes… Ah…." He stopped. Dr. Heightmeyer noted the blush that spread across his cheeks in strips of rose across his fair skin. Even his ears turned pink. Heightmeyer waited patiently keeping her demeanor cool and composed. McKay continued. His voice less sure, he avoided eye contact.

"I get my shirt off and I undo my pants… Carson is just watching me like I've gone mad… And I have. I… I want… him. "

It all made perfectly good sense to Dr. Heightmeyer and she couldn't suppress a small smile as she spoke. "Laura has a crush on Carson," she related calmly. "It is very possible that the residual experience of having her share your brain is still creating dreams powered by her fantasies. You needn't worry, Rodney. It will fade soon enough."

"When," he asked in a simple deadpan.

"Probably as soon as we experience something else that will fuel all of our nightmares for a while," Heightmeyer replied just as seriously.

"Thank you, Kate."

~*~

But it had been so real, McKay thought as he walked back to his quarters. Not the dream itself, no, that had been as surreal as any other dream he had ever had, segueing into different scenes and different times of his life. What had been so real had been the want. The passion inside him, welling up as he looked into Carson's gentle eyes, had been soul wrenching. He remembered wanting desperately to touch Carson and to have Carson touch him. He remembered standing naked before Carson in his dream and feeling no shame. There was no shame; only desire. It was a desire so large that it struck him mute in his dream. He could only reach out to Carson, his eyes flaming with all the emotions he felt inside. His erection stood between them proclaiming his intent as plain as a freeway road sign.

Carson only stood there in the dream, confused, but not running away. For some reason, that was comforting to Rodney. In his dream, he felt that if he could only just touch Carson….

"Rodney!"

The sound of someone calling his name shook him almost too abruptly back to reality. He stumbled to a halt in the corridor, turning to see who had pulled him away from the enigma of his dream, his face set in a scowl. The scowl deepened when he saw Laura Cadman heading his way. His jaw clenched shut.

"Whoa there, Batman," She said looking over his impatient demeanor. It was unfortunate, but she knew him better than anyone on Atlantis by sheer virtue of their experience.

"Make it quick, Lieutenant. I'm very busy."

"I was just going to ask what the hell happened to your balls?"

"What?" Rodney eyed the woman as if she had suddenly started speaking in tongues.

"Dr. Brown, remember her? Nice girl. We went on a date. We kissed her?"

"No, excuse me, you kissed her in my body… and you ruined any chance I had with her by making us walk away!" Rodney volleyed back.

"I saved your goddamn bacon, fat head. You were bumbling all over yourself. I knew you wouldn't know how to play it."

"Play it? I see. My love life is some sort of game for you, well I'm sorry. I'm picking up my ball and going home now."

"I'm amazed you have one. You utterly ditched Katie. Poor girl thinks she is to blame…"

"How do you know this?" Rodney asked suspiciously.

"Girl's poker night, ace." Cadman replied coolly.

Rodney was struck silent for a moment. Cadman had told him once before that gossip was passed during that poker game. Katie had made it known to Laura that she felt Rodney's withdraw was her own fault?

"It's not her fault," Rodney said softly.

"Damn straight it isn't," Cadman blustered on. "And you need to get off you high-horse and call her. Don't waste all that good effort I made…"

Rodney stopped listening there. It occurred to him that he and Katie Brown were over before it started. It wasn't her fault. It was him. He didn't want it, at least not any more. And he was truly sorry for any grief or upset that he caused her. His heart just wasn't into developing the relationship.

Cadman was still yelling at him, droning on about how little he knew about women. At this point, Rodney knew Cadman was wrong. The time he spent with her in his brain convinced him that women were people too and not complex social enigmas. Deep down, at the core, they were all the same. Socialization just determined what they let show on the surface.

Great, he was getting philosophical and introspective during a full blown dress down in a public corridor.

"Are you a man?" Cadman concluded her tirade.

Rodney looked her in the eye. "I'm a person. So are you."

Lt. Cadman gave him a confused look.

"Look, tell Katie I'm sorry… No, I'll tell her…"

"Then you ask her out…"

"No," Rodney interjected. "I can't. I have things to sort out first."

Rodney pushed past Cadman to resume his walk down the corridor. It occurred to him that Cadman possibly knew what was really going on inside him. If he could hold so much of her inside himself, what had she carried away with her to her own body. Was she dreaming of Katie? She certainly didn't have any problems with kissing her.

No, it was clear that Cadman wanted Carson. Rodney closed the door behind him in his quarters and stopped cold as he thought about that. She still wants him.

Rodney's hands clenched as the tension creeped along his shoulders. An anxiety welled up in him as he realized that Cadman was likely to get Carson too.

What was he feeling? Jealousy? Rodney shook his head in disbelief and covered his face with his hands for a moment as his mind's eye was assaulted with visions of Cadman and Carson sipping wine on one of the seaside platforms and sharing tender kisses under crystal star light.

"No!" He pushed the vision aside roughly. It was what Cadman wanted. Rodney began to pace. The vision returned but it was not Laura Cadman in Carson's arms.

Rodney stopped and let the vision wash through him. God, Carson could be so beautiful. His eyes were so large and soulful. When he kissed him, it was so sweet and slow. It was so tender and loving. Rodney's heart pounded in his chest as he let the vision carry him.

"Carson," he whispered into the empty room.

The dreams were not going to fade.

End: That Made Her the Adversary


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath of Duet and Laura Cadman's memories. Rodney considers his foibles. spoilers for Duet and The Hive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd. Sorry about that. A special thanks to all my friends at Los Alamos, U. of Arizona, and Fermi Lab. Hanging out with physicists paid off finally. Feedback? Sure

Author: E. Batagur  
Fandom: SG:A  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: the aftermath of Duet and Laura Cadman's memories. Rodney considers his foibles. spoilers for Duet and The Hive.

Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not doing this for profit.  
Note: Not beta'd. Sorry about that. A special thanks to all my friends at Los Alamos, U. of Arizona, and Fermi Lab. Hanging out with physicists paid off finally. Feedback? Sure

**If He Only Could**

No, the dreams didn't fade. They got worse. They intensified. They played on his fears.

And as time passed, Rodney began to understand why some misfortunate people chose to drink. There was precious little alcohol on Atlantis. Nevertheless, Rodney, a man well versed on how to hide feelings when the feelings were worth hiding, muddled through. It was easy enough when life on Atlantis presented new challenges daily. Being utterly self-absorbed played to his advantage.

But later, at night, alone, he cringed inside at every sideways comment and ungracious remark he had dealt Carson Beckett.

After his experience of cold turkey from the Wraith enzyme, Rodney had a lot to cringe about. The worst part of the memory was Carson's kind face hovering over him, the way his eyes softened at every insult and insinuating comment. Even more upsetting was the fact that Carson's was the last face he remembered seeing before he mercifully lost consciousness, and Carson's was the first face he saw when he awoke, weak but clear headed.

Carson had stayed by his side all through it. In fact, Rodney had a very weak, unclear memory of Carson humming and singing to pass the time and to soothe Rodney as he roiled incoherent in the midst of withdrawal fever. Only a snippet of the song remained in Rodney's memory:

Ca' the yowes tae the knowes  
Ca' them where the heather grows  
Ca' them where the burnie rows  
My bonnie dearie

It was a pretty song by Rodney's recollection, and as he had never heard Carson sing it again, nor did he expect to, he savored that small memory.

What had he said to Carson? He called him jealous because he didn't get to go off-world? Rodney knew that Carson literally hated to use the stargate with good reason. How it worked did defy Heisenberg uncertainty principle. The probability density of the event of de-molecularization runs roughshod over the concept of an expanding universe. If it weren't for the pattern buffers, a set of complex probability equations that satisfy the Kolmogorov axioms, all material would naturally disperse into its primary particles and energy upon crossing the threshold of the event horizon. It was healthy for Carson to fear becoming random bits of energy and a bunch of quirks and neutrinos.

The rest of what happened was an angry blur tinged in a red haze. He had never felt so sick in his life and he wouldn't have doubted that he had asked Carson to just euthanize him at some point. It might have been better in the long run if Carson had perhaps.

Yes, Rodney survived and there was a measure of pride that he could take away from having done so. However, the scar of the experience was left not only on his psyche but also on his friendship with Carson.

Memory was a terrible thing sometimes. It was the cold reminder of all that was wrong with him as a person, a scientist and a friend. If he only could, he would turn back time and make some of it go away. Unfortunately, Rodney understood that he had been forced into the situation that had caused him to take the large dose of the enzyme. How could he turn back being a victim of circumstance? Even having clairvoyance enough to try and stop the mission might not be enough. And hadn't they walked out of it with vital intel on the Wraith?

Oh, but what he had said to Carson. It crushed Rodney's soul in his dreams when he relived the jagged, angry memory. This was the cringe to end all cringes and it followed him down to his dreamscape.

Hadn't the other Elizabeth mentioned that the Ancients had cracked the enigma of time? It could be done, remove temporal boundaries in a quantum motion, one could theoretically pass through different moments in the line of universal events.

Silly. Was he really going to put effort into a complex set of equations that would take months of valuable time to work through just so he could fix a friendship he wished was more, but would never be more?

It was time to go to bed. Rodney set down the journal. Ever since Kate had suggested it to him, he had found writing in it to be a bit of a balm to his overly tried nerves. It was nice to have one place where he could air all his deepest thoughts and aspirations. Mostly it contained his angst, but every once in a while it would have a moment of deep fortunate happenstance, a few flashes of brilliance that were his personal trademark.

He rubbed his eyes as he realized he forgot to end the entry in his usual manner. Rodney was often a man of personal ritual. It wasn't superstition like it was for Zelenka who often cursed the same curses and prayed the same prayers over theoretical applications in simulation. Rodney just liked things to be ordered and uniform, all his ducks in a row, so to speak. Every journal entry was the same and signified the end of one day's worth of his thoughts.

Rodney picked up the simple spiral notebook. It was the height of security for him to actually write his thoughts out. Although tedious, it was worth it. Few people had the patience to decipher his handwriting and he was sure no one, with the exception of Sheppard, who could be annoyingly nosy at times, would be interested in reading Rodney's hand written tale of misery.

"Goodnight, Carson," he wrote on the page below his last entry. The end of one more day.

End: If He Only Could 


	3. Thus Spoke the Adversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath of Duet and Laura Cadman's memories. Rodney allows a little self-honesty. Possible spoilers for things beyond Duet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd. Sorry about that.

Author: E. Batagur  
Fandom: SG:A  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: the aftermath of Duet and Laura Cadman's memories. Rodney allows a little self-honesty. Possible spoilers for things beyond Duet.

Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not doing this for profit.  
Note: Not beta'd. Sorry about that.  
Feedback? Sure

**Thus Spoke the Adversary**

Damn her! Why did she stay?

Rodney rubbed his temples and picked up his spiral notebook. No since asking why. He knew the answer already, just like he knew the answer of why his subconscious decided to take the form of Samantha Carter.

Yes, Cadman had gotten him too deeply in touch with his feminine side; so much so that when he hallucinated his own subconscious, his mind conjured up the only woman he felt was equal to his own mental abilities. But just like his subconscious of late, the hallucination had no quorums with pointing out his every flaw, regaling upon them like pimples on the homecoming queen.

Rodney had been very valid in the statement that long, long day; "I can't even hallucinate right…."

Everytime he had an internal dialogue, the answering voice was irritatingly female. It alternated between Cadman and Carter. It was Carter for all things scientific. It was Cadman for all things personally humiliating. Now with Cadman always around, reminding him of her presence and voice, the voice in his head spoke with clarity and certainty.

_September 5th.  
Carson touched my shoulder and spoke carefully to me. Normally, that would mean nothing to me, but there was just that quality in his touch that I cannot explain. He means well. He just wants to show me that he has faith in me. I am grateful for that, really, I am. It is gratifying to know that someone appreciates my efforts to keep us alive and functioning and not a floating death trap, primed for Wraith invasion._

_Elizabeth has been taking more risk recently. Since the advent of the discovery of the security compromise effected unwittingly by Col. Caldwell, she has been more apted to take the risk on things even Sheppard has reservations about. This amazing role reversal has not slipped past mine, Carson's or Radek's notice._

_Amazing that Carson is aware of anything beings he spends most of his free time with little Miss "I like things that go BOOM!"_

_Where was I? Yes, Carson touched me._

_I wish he wouldn't do that. Other than making me jump a mile in front of two of Caldwell's marines, it left me thinking distracting thoughts. And no, they were not erotic, fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon one's point of view._

_I just don't need distraction when I'm trying to perform goddamn miracles with nothing more that a few burnt wires and some broken bits of plastic. Damn him, he doesn't mean to. He doesn't even know what he is doing to me._

_But I bet she knows._

_Bitch! Enemy! I hate you! Get out of my head and leave me alone!_

_Okay, I really am losing it. Maybe I need to see Kate Heightmeyer again sometime soon? I'd rather not go crazy over the likes of Laura Cadman._

_But it's not all her. It's him too. He touches me and I see my own flaws reflected in his eyes. I'll never be enough. I'm nothing he will ever want. I'm gratified he thinks well of me as a scientist. I'm glad he considers me a friend. It's not enough._

_I want…_

Rodney put down the pen and rubbed his eyes impatiently. "Don't lose it now, Rodney," he growled softly, but then it occurred to him: why not? The journal was suppose to be the one place he could lose it. He picked up his pen again.

_I want, for once in my life, to feel in control of my love. I've only felt like this one other time, and I wasn't able to keep a decent handle on that too. I don't want to be here, at this place emotionally. I hate it._

This love inside of me, it's not from Cadman. It's mine. She was just a catalyst, uncovering a systemic problem that had existed possibly since I was fourteen or so. I've been afraid of it. I pushed it down and covered it up. I tried to make it go away.

I've never been as masculine as a lot of men; I have accepted that. Most men of my level of intelligence are not renown for machismo. In fact, as teenagers, we are more renown for being the biggest targets of aggression. My solution, to keep aggressive football players at bay and to satisfy my own esteem, is my charming personality. How did my subconscious as Sam Carter put it? "Petty, arrogant, and treats people badly."

I've run from parts of me for a very long time. It's close to time to face the truth, at least internally. I know I have feared what it means, and that is why my internal voice is always female. It is mocking me as a coward. It's telling me that by not realizing everything that I am inside, I am effectively demeaning myself the way some people demean women and call them 'the weaker sex.'

I want to be in love. I want to be in love with Carson Beckett. I want him to love me. I don't want to be ashamed. I don't want to be scared. However, I also don't want to be ridiculed or thought of differently. I don't want to lose respect, even though I understand that anyone whose respect lessens of me under the circumstance probably isn't worth my concern anyway.

I think I just came out of the closet, at least here in this journal. I'm very much not ready yet to take that bigger leap. There are some things left to lose.

I need a lot more time to think.

Goodnight, Carson.

Rodney put down the notebook and settled in for a quiet night. He never got another chance to write in his notebook again for a very long while.

The next day Rodney, as a member of Sheppard's team, gated to a world called Taranis. Things got rather busy after that.

To be continued after the start of Season 3

End: Thus Spoke the Adversary


	4. Irony, The Mystery. ( a Discrete Packets interlude fic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney takes up Atlantean Novel translation for fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd. Sorry about that.

**Irony, The Mystery.**  
Author: E. Batagur  
Fandom: SG:A  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Rodney takes up Atlantean Novel translation for fun.

Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not doing this for profit.  
Note: Not beta'd. Sorry about that.  
Feedback? Sure

  
He hated to sleep these days. Dreams were always torture of one kind or another. The nightmares were bad, but the regular dreams reminded him of his shortcomings in far more subtle way that didn't escape him. Rodney sat up in his bed, a reading lamp on over him.

After exhausting all of the journal literature he had brought back with him from his last trip home, He began to dip into the Atlantis library system. Elizabeth had long ago discovered that the Ancients, like most other people, enjoyed fiction as well and non-fiction and they kept the two libraries separate to avoid ambiguity. However, because the mission has been working primarily on translation of the substantial technical and scientific portions of the library, most of the non-fiction had largely gone ignored.

Rodney decided to give himself a hobby to help chase away the melancholy. He went poking through the database until he found a fiction title and summary that translated into something he thought might be interesting and downloaded it to translate. It was a decent size novel of about 90,000 words. Beings Rodney's grasp of the language was mainly through the technical journals and city logs, he knew it would be a harder challenge than it appeared on the surface, and it would be a great exercise in deciphering some of the Ancient's euphemisms. That would prove to be valuable in reading some of the private notes of some of the Ancient scientists.

Some nights it was hard to keep his mind focused on the story, a murder mystery with an interesting detective, nothing like an earth-style stereotypical hard-boiled sleuth, which for Rodney, was a blessing. He could only attribute his distraction to the anxiety that hovered just out of reach in his mind. No he could not blame the novel; at least not in the traditional ways.

The trite and hackneyed style of some earth mystery writers had caused him to abandon the non-intellectual pastime he had enjoyed long ago in his youth. Rodney had enjoyed a good mystery. He had been eight when he had totally consumed the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. He became acquainted with Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot the year after that, but he never cared much for Miss Marple. After that, the disillusionment came as he found he had pretty much exhausted the supply of the best mystery writers of all time, at least in his young opinion.

The Atlantian novel did not suffer the shortcomings of the earth mystery literature he encountered after Doyle and Christie. The Atlantian novel had a protagonist that Rodney found unique and interesting. He was intelligent without being unbelievable. He was masculine without being aggressive or boorish, and he was sympathetic without being impaired. The protagonist was proactive when he needed to be and courageous when it was necessary, but he was not a fool.

The part that made it hard to concentrate was the fact that his mind's eye supplied Carson to play the roll of the character. It wasn't uncommon for Rodney to cast the novels he read. It was an old habit from childhood and he had often back then drew from movies, TV and real life to find just the right fit for a role. In fact, for that novel, many of the characters were faces and voices of people within Atlantis now. One of the prime suspects, a sassy, troublesome but likable young man with a devil-may-care facade was easily cast as John Sheppard. A sedate, worried, intellectual woman was a natural fit for Elizabeth Weir.

That wasn't the whole problem. The problem came when the protagonist developed a love interest. Irony, Rodney thought, that out of all the novels in the Ancient database, he should choose one where the male protagonist's love interest was another male. The Ancients didn't seem to have the kind of sexual hang-ups that Earth humans still suffered. It was not considered bad or taboo that the protagonist should develop a sexual interest in another man.

And damn it! The other man could so easily be him… at least on a good day. Okay, the love interest was more handsome perhaps with all those chiseled features. He was also manifestly not as intelligent as Rodney, but he was certainly not dumb by any standards. Rodney could live with that. Mister Love-interest also seemed to always know the right thing to say the way some annoying people do. Rodney tried to over look that.

It should have made the novel more interesting, but instead it made it almost unbearable. Every night, as he attempted to run away from an irrational, jumbled infatuation, he ran right into it through the pages of the novel, and he was too stubborn to stop, especially when the mystery plot was so good.

So he found himself, as he did most any given evening, sitting up in bed, holding the notebook computer in his lap, his eyes no longer focused on the words he was translating. Instead his mind was running full throttle through a fantasy that he knew he would eventually stop before it became too involved. He stopped it, putting his eyes back to the words on the screen, he began to translate again.

"Gad!" Rodney sighed, pushing the image away. He shut the notebook computer and frowned.

Irony -- that should have been the name of the mystery. He had been close to the end when he picked it up that evening. It had taken longer than it should have. Unfortunately, his sick and twisted brain had given him an ending for the story already: The love-interest killed the pushy girl who had a crush on the protagonist. The protagonist discovered the truth, but in the interest of love, helped cover up the crime and they live happily ever after… humping like bunnies…. Sometimes the protagonist is the top and sometimes the love-interest is….

Of course, upon really reaching the end, Rodney had to suffer through a much-unanticipated worse ending. No one actually died. The love-interest was running an ingenious scam with the aid of the pushy girl. It had been the Atlantian equivalent of insurance fraud. The protagonist denounced them both and they received their come-uppins.

"That was a five days wasted." Rodney practically threw the computer aside in a colossal snit. Pushing himself down beneath the covers, he turned to shut off the reading light.

Then he remembered that Carson had a date with Cadman that very evening. He wondered if there was another mystery in the database with more promise.

End: Irony, The Mystery


	5. SGA Fic: My Bonnie Dearie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney's withdrawals from the Wraith enzyme from Carson's POV. Spoilers for 'The Hive.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[amazonx](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) for the incredibly fast and thorough beta!

**My Bonnie Dearie**  
Author: E. Batagur  
Fandom: SG:A  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary:Rodney's withdrawals from the Wraith enzyme from Carson's POV. Spoilers for 'The Hive.'

Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not doing this for profit.  
Note: Many thanks to [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) for the incredibly fast and thorough beta!  
Feedback? Sure  
~*~  
"You have no idea of the agony I'm going through!"

"I have an inkling," Carson said softly.

That was the last coherent thing Rodney said to him before he lapsed into a ramble about how everyone hated him because he was too smart. Rodney was still running a low-grade fever at the time. His blood pressure was still too high, and it was going to be a very long night.

Carson Beckett hunkered down for the siege. He knew Rodney's pain was next to unbearable. His pathetic, feeble moans came intermittently as the pain and discomfort began to obviously sap his strength. After that, there were very few words.

He dozed periodically, waking to call Carson's name. Carson never left his side. He stood ready to offer ice chips to soothe his parched mouth or to support his shoulders and hold the disposable pan to him as Rodney was rendered heaving and helpless. The withdrawal from the enzyme had forced his digestive system to rebel in the worst possible way. Carson was sure that the dry-heaves were probably more exhausting to Rodney than the projectile vomit of earlier.

Finally he slept. His blood pressure was no longer dangerously high, but it still wasn't where Carson would have liked it to be. Elizabeth came to see how Rodney was doing.

"You should get some rest. You look exhausted."

"I'll stay with him a wee bit longer… to make sure he's out of the woods."

"Carson, nice work."

"Thanks, Elizabeth."

She left. It was just him, Rodney… and the armed Marine posted at the door that came after one of the lab staff became concerned with the threats McKay whimpered out during his last decent out burst.

After another thirty minutes, Rodney woke again, weak as a kitten and calling for Carson. Carson tenderly stroked his patient's brow.

"It's gonna be fine, Rodney. I think it's all outta ye now."

"So thirsty…"

"I'll get ye some ice chips…"

"Don't leave…"

"Hush. I'm not goin' anna where. They're right here." Carson reached over to the small bed cart, taking the paper cup with a yellow plastic spoon. He carefully spooned a small bit of the remaining ice chips to Rodney's mouth.

"I hate yellow," Rodney whispered as the spoon came close to its destination. Carson only smiled in response. He made a mental note to find a blue spoon for the next cup. Despite his displeasure with the color scheme, Rodney took the cool chips eagerly, and parted his lips in anticipation of more.

This wasn't the first time Carson had seen Rodney helpless, but this had been perhaps the worst time. This wasn't a temporary stun or an exaggerated splinter. This time wasn't a seizure induced by two stubborn souls sharing one body.

Rodney's pulse had slipped into a near deadly arrhythmia at one point and Carson had weighed his options very, very carefully. Wraith enzyme was not like any known, addictive drug. There was no way of knowing what sort of lethal drug interactions could result if he had used the usual anti-arrhythmia drugs. Carson had used every little trick he had in his bag to keep his patient alive.

Yet, Carson knew it wasn't just him. He had told Elizabeth the truth. Rodney was a stubborn, jammy bastard and thank goodness for that. It was almost over now, and Carson planned on prescribing biofeedback and a trip to the nutritionist for the lucky Doctor McKay. Carson was going to see to Rodney's hypertension before it became the bigger issue that it could become in the future.

Just thinking of his future plans caused Carson to look-up at the patient monitors. 130 over 88, not good but much better than 160 over 110, which was where his pressure crested that night. It had been a very alarming problem, and coupled with the projectile vomit and the angry tirade, Carson had indeed felt like he and Rodney were reenacting parts of the movie The Exorcist.

Carson knew not to take the things Rodney said to heart, and unlike the nurse and lab staff who were doing 'paper, rock, scissors' over who saw him next, Carson didn't hesitate to take the brunt of the abuse. Rodney didn't mean it. Carson knew. When Rodney would wake and call his name, practically sobbing it, looking for him with eyes filled with fear, Carson knew that Rodney needed him. Rodney valued him. The insults, the threats, that was the drug talking.

After five spoonfuls of ice chips, Rodney eyes closed and he relaxed back on the bed. Exhaustion won over thirst. Carson put the cup aside. With a small sigh he shifted on his seat, contemplating checking what the lab techs had to say about the final blood work up he had ordered on Rodney. It was pretty late. He had spent nearly 14 hours by his patient's side.

His movement must have alerted Rodney. His eyes fluttered open. Carson could easily see the anxiety in their depths.

"Stay?" The single word bubbled forth on a small rush of breath.

"Hush, Rodney," Carson murmured. He knew the intensity of the headache that had made Rodney sound sensitive was probably past, but he felt the need to keep his voice as quiet and soothing as possible.

"Carson…" Rodney eyes filled with pain of a different sort as he looked to him.

"Hush," Carson said once more, settling in his seat. Once again he stroked Rodney's brow with a gentle thumb. "You're frightened, I know. It's over now. Ye gonna be all right."

On and off through the vigil, Carson had been humming a song that his mother had sang to him when he had been a wee lad. It was the song she had used to soothe him when he had been ill. It wasn't unusual for Carson to find himself remembering the sweet little tune whenever he stood over a patient's bedside. He wasn't sure if he could remember all the words.

The compulsion to hum the tune came again as he stroked Rodney's brow, and he did not fight it. He watched Rodney's eyes drift shut, calm and comforted. He was only mildly surprised with himself, as he began to sing those half-forgotten words:

_Ca' the yowes tae the knowes_  
Ca' them where the heather grows  
Ca' them where the burnie rows  
My bonnie dearie 

He couldn't remember all the words to the next verse so he hummed a bit more. It was a lovely tune, and his mother had had the most beautiful voice. He could still hear her singing it. Yes, he could remember his favorite verse:

_Ghaist nor bogle shalt thou fear  
Thou'rt tae love and heaven sae dear  
Nocht of ill may come ye near  
My bonnie dearie_  
He could feel Rodney's brow relax under his touch. He was practically asleep. Perhaps now he would sleep through.

_Fair and lovely as thou art_  
Thou hast stown my very heart  
I can die - but canna pairt  
My bonnie dearie

Rodney was asleep again. With a final caress to his cheek, Carson withdrew his hand and sat back. He should go check that blood work. He hadn't eaten in a while. Elizabeth was right, he needed some rest… but not just yet. Maybe he would stay just a wee bit longer.

End: My Bonnie Dearie


	6. SGA FIC: Just Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of mourning for his own life. Spoilers for Allies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[amazonx](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) for the swift and fabulous beta.

Just Regrets  
Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: A moment of mourning for his own life. Spoilers for Allies  
Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)  
[My Bonnie Dearie](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32625.html)

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not doing this for profit.  
Notes: Many thanks to [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) for the swift and fabulous beta.

  
~*~  
Every time he woke up, despair waited for him. Just beyond his closed eyelids waited his worst nightmare. Eminent doom was never so palatable. He didn't know how long he had. Would they kill him once they reached earth, or was he to be a tasty snack for the ride?

He had done everything a dying man could do. He had yelled, he had screamed, he had raged, he had whimpered, he had begged, and he had cried. The most response he had got was Ronon Dex telling him to shut up and act like a man.

Easy for him to say! Ronon had been a guest on a Wraith ship before. For some reason, they didn't kill him out right. When the Atlantis teams had found Ronon on that forsaken over radiated planet, the Wraith had tried to make "open season" on him - for seven years. That was a hell of a long time to be a Runner.

Rodney was sure that he would not be so fortunate. No, he was a dead man, and what a waste. He had too much left to do, too many things left undone. There were problems to solve, Nobel prizes to receive, and recognition to be gathered. There was too much of himself left to share with his world. There were too many people he wanted to talk to just one last time. Too much.

Every time more than a sentry walked past, Rodney had to ask himself, "Will it be now? Am I the main course tonight? McKay: it's what's for dinner!" But they would pass, and Rodney would breathe out. Ronon would glare at him but say nothing. On the fourth day, Ronon spoke.

"I will not die here."

That was all he said and he said it with so much conviction that the obvious, spiteful comeback died on Rodney's lips. Nevertheless, Rodney doubted that either of them had a choice in the matter now, and no matter how emphatic on the subject Ronon was, they were still in no position to direct their own deaths.

There was little to do but sleep and fret. Ronon spoke very little. When the big man would speak it was only to coarsely berate Rodney for being a realist, which Rodney thought was wholly unjustified. How unfair to be stuck on a disgusting, flying slaughterhouse with a brute who didn't understand the meaning of cosmic irony. Rodney did try to explain. He used the Greek tragedies of Sophocles and Aeschylus, the best tools for the subject matter.

Regrets were in every corner of his mind, and he hated them. He hadn't realized how much he had always wanted for himself until now. It was useless to mourn now, even though it was the only thing left to do. There was really no one to blame but the insincere Wraith bastards who had tricked them.

Ah, but Rodney had been so sure he would see them all again. So many things left undone. Carson would never know.

If he ever got out of there, if fate or luck or the god of stupid, egotistical astrophysicist smiled on him and he walked away from that Wraith ship unharmed, he swore to himself, things would change. Until that time, the only escape left was behind his eyelids. He found no solace in sleep and dreams, but if he only closed his eyes and remembered, he could just hear Carson's voice, soft and sweet, singing that Scottish folk song.

Ca' the yowes tae the knowes  
Ca' them where the heather grows  
Ca' them where the burnie rows  
My bonnie dearie

Some… day….

End: Just Regrets


	7. SGA fic: Like the First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A realization for Rodney

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[amazonx](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) for the beta!

Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: A realization for Rodney  
Note: Many thanks to [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) for the beta!  
Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)  
[My Bonnie Dearie](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32625.html)  
[Just Regrets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/33773.html)

**Like the First Time**

Now he was home on the giant floating city where no one appreciated how much they all depended on his genius to keep them from becoming fish bait or Wraith chow. He'd been on the bottom of that cold ocean. There were some pretty huge and hungry fish down there, but that was not important right then.

Rodney sat on the edge of his bed, cringing as he read the last few entries of his private therapy journal. He closed the pages, ashamed of himself for a moment. The confusion that surrounded his heart felt like weakness, and it made him angry and restless. It made him want to do impulsive things, none of which would be facilitating to gaining his heart's desire. He shrugged then, pushing the discomfort of emotion aside. There was no sense in ruminating over what he couldn't change. Yesterday was over.

And although he felt completely in control of himself psychologically, having pushed back the loose remnants of adolescent memories that Cadman had brought forward in his brain, Rodney still felt a little raw and emotionally exposed. Maybe it was all the crazy close calls that had come, one after another. Maybe it was coming so close to losing him one too many times.

Returning from Sateda on the Daedalus, he had watched him carefully from a distance, too ashamed to admit, even to himself, that it was he who was the jealous one. Ronon kept Carson by his side for most of the trip. The big warrior humbly remained a-bed per doctor's orders but had made a decision to open up at last to someone. That someone was Carson. Carson, being a naturally caring person, let his time be consumed by listening, and nothing would shake the man from the Neanderthal's side.

Even when Rodney limped in making his most piteous plea that Carson see his terrible arrow wound because he feared it was becoming inflamed and infected, Carson passed him off onto the ship's medic without even a word.

Had he alienated Carson so much? Certainly not; for no one seemed to understand him better than Carson Beckett…If only it was true. If Carson really understood him, wouldn't he see how much Rodney wanted him? Maybe he did know. Maybe he was holding back like a tease! It was a pay back for all the derisive slights and digs…No. No, that wasn't Carson and he knew it.

Maybe Carson…just didn't…want him…back. It wouldn't be the first time Rodney McKay had come to grips with unrequited love. Why did it always hurt like it was the first time?

Rodney threw the journal aside.

End: **Like the First Time**


	8. SGA Fic: Patience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a place in Carson Beckett heart for Rodney? (Spoilers for scenes in Real World)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my fabulous beta [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[amazonx](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/)

Patience  
Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: There is a place in Carson Beckett heart for Rodney? (Spoilers for scenes in Real World)  
Note: Many thanks to my fabulous beta [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/)  
Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)  
[My Bonnie Dearie](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32625.html)  
[Just Regrets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/33773.html)  
[Like the First Time](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/34612.html)  
  
~*~  
The fact that Carson had put up with him in ways that others would not have, had often assured Rodney of his place in Carson's life. Yes, Carson was a caring, tolerant man who was also the least likely to flatten him with a right cross or threaten him with lemon meringue pie, but that didn't mean that Carson had to put up with Rodney's usual annoying behavior.

Rodney followed Carson, intrigued by the look on the man's face and the aura of brilliance coming off of him. Carson, as always, filled by his own shaky self confidence, refused to reveal just what he had in mind too soon in case it was not a viable solution. Rodney pursued him, throwing questions at him all the way down the infirmary corridor to the med labs. He was not disconcerted when Carson didn't answer. Rodney knew that Carson was only immersed in his own thoughts and not purposefully ignoring him. Carson had an intensity about him when he was thinking, really thinking, that Rodney understood. That was why he tried to keep all his questions on target, to help prod the man along on his epiphany. It was a brainstorming technique Rodney had learned while studying for his first master's degree. He had often been the chosen victim of Dr. Henlke, the emeritus chair of the Astrophysics department. The old man had pestered and bothered and badgered Rodney, always keeping his questions focused and on topic, until Rodney had spat out the best theoretical model at the very end of his frustration. There had been times when he thought he would either deck Dr. Henlke or just have his brain explode and paint the dry erase board before him.

In the med labs, Carson went to the biohazard refrigerator. At last he spoke, answering Rodney's second question.

"I think I know how to get those creatures' attention."

Carson pulled out a cartridge, one of seven in a space reserved for Wraith tissues.

"What are you doing?" Rodney was taken slightly aback by the turn of events. Suddenly, he wasn't following Carson's thoughts any more. But, then again, the things that Carson knew were not the same sort of things that Rodney knew.

Carson turned to look at Rodney. Rodney was halted in his tracks by intensity of Carson's gaze. "If we can distract them long enough to stop their attack on Elizabeth's cells, maybe even get them to centralize away from vital organs, can you get your EM pulse machine to send a short burst sufficient enough to neutralize the numbers in her system now?"

"Sure… of course." Rodney blinked confused. The tables were turned and now Carson was hitting him with questions. "I can set the pulse at a level strong enough to deal with nanites…"

"It won't harm Elizabeth?"

"She'd get more cellular disruption from a standard chest x-ray."

"This could work, Rodney."

Suddenly, the pieces fell into place. Carson was, indeed, on to something more than just brilliant. The elegance of Carson's plan was pure genius, and as Rodney looked into the bright blue of Carson's gaze, he almost whispered, "I love you."

Instead, Rodney excitedly grabbed the cartridge from Carson's hands and started back to the infirmary in triumph. He knew Carson was on his heels. He could feel him at his back, solid and dependable.

"Okay, we think we found a way to uncouple the nanite cells from Elizabeth's cells."

"We?"

Rodney suppressed an affectionate smile. There were limits to Carson's patience and he knew that he would never ever exceed them. It was a small thought that colored his tone and demeanor, making his smug, triumphant attitude just a little more obnoxious.

Maybe Carson did love him. Maybe…

End: Patience


	9. SGA Ficlet: A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney has a dream. (This is an interlude in the Discrete Packets series that left off at [Patience](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35011.html).)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by the wonderful [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[amazonx](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) who took time out from her vacation to do this for me. She's a goddess! (This one was written only to make me feel better after a really bad experience. This is bit of fluff was written just to help me to maintain my sanity.)

Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: R  
Summary: Rodney has a dream. (This is an interlude in the Discrete Packets series that left off at [Patience](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35011.html).)  
Note: Beta'd by the wonderful [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/) who took time out from her vacation to do this for me. She's a goddess! (This one was written only to make me feel better after a really bad experience. This is bit of fluff was written just to help me to maintain my sanity.)

**A Dream**

It was the best dream ever, and Rodney awoke from it wishing he could go back. It was strange how "good" dreams flowed. They were fluid in the most delicate ways, moving gently through the subconscious like a petite dancer en pointe. They felt so close to the surface of reality that upon awakening, the dreamer felt as if he need only close his eyes once more, and he would step right back where he had left off. However, that never worked and Rodney knew it.

Oh, he had kissed Carson! Standing just beyond the upper level observation, next to the glass partition before the gate room, he had stopped Carson, wanting a moment to be with him alone. And although everyone and everything was where it normally was, it seemed as if they were the only two people on the whole of Atlantis. In his peripheral vision, Rodney could see Elizabeth in her office, head bent and pen in hand. He thought he caught a glimpse of Sheppard as he passed beneath on the next level. They were all background, like moving wall paper. They didn't matter…at least not just then.

Caught by Carson's gaze, blinded by the perfect blue of his eyes, Rodney's voice caught. The thoughts he had gathered, that he had so wanted to share escaped his desires. All he could think of was a single line from a Dylan Song: "Tangled up in blue." Rodney was left standing there, his hand loosely holding Carson's arm to stop him from escaping. They were so very alone…

"Rodney?" Carson had whispered.

His name spoken as a question had so many implications. Touched by Carson's accent, in the softest of whispers, that question was clear, and Rodney could think of only one answer. It was an answer that made his chest ache and his loins burn with need.

No words.

His right hand came up to touch Carson's face. Their bodies moved closer in that natural ebb of the dreamscape, like two particles pulled together by an irresistible force. Rodney knew he was trembling, but there was no fear, no shame. It was a forgone conclusion. It was a done deal. His lips touched Carson's lightly at first. The shock of contact causing his breath to catch and his pulse to race.

The kiss from there built wildly as Rodney's hunger for contact took control, consuming him. Riding the wave of his own passion, he pressed himself close to Carson as if he could mold himself to the man's body; his insistent desire pushing the Carson backward until they landed on his bed. Rodney let the logic of the dreamscape setting change go unheeded. This was where he really wanted to be with Carson anyhow.

It wasn't enough, all the same. God, he wanted so much more! His lips moved over Carson's face and neck in worship. No words. No words.

The sounds of their breath, heavy and passionate, were language enough. Those intense exhalation were Carson saying 'yes' and Rodney whispering, 'please.' But there were no words.

_Naked please!_ Rodney's heart raced, as he feared his dream would end too soon. _Please! Oh, please!_ He pulled at clothing, feeling the resistance of heavy, durable fabric against his fingers. At least Carson was only wearing his lab coat, standard issue black tee shirt, and utility pants. Still it was far too much clothing.

All the while, Rodney's body undulated atop Carson, pressing his clothing bound erection against the other man's thigh. Strong hands held Rodney close, encouraging him. With a whimper, Rodney gave up and gave into the driving passion that would no longer wait. He nuzzled deeply into the heavily muscled junction of Carson's neck and shoulders, his mouth suckling on warm flesh that covered the hard muscle. Rodney's hips pushed against Carson, impelling his body towards completion.

He lifted his head to let loose a moan that was more a mournful sound than the sound of a man achieving ecstasy. His climax was a release that took him further from his desires instead of closer. The dream faded.

Rodney woke on his stomach; it was how he usually slept. Yes, the bed had a wet spot. The dream was gone, but the smooth flow of its beauty lingered in the drowsy haze of his brain. Perhaps if he closed his eyes, he would be back. He could kiss Carson again, perhaps hold him close and offer his hand, his body to facilitate Carson's mutual satisfaction. Maybe he would be able to just smile warmly into that solid blue gaze. He would breathe a sigh that would tell Carson how much he truly loved him.

No words. 


	10. True Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carson starts to notice something. (Line spoiler for Sateda)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ~~Not beta'd. waiting for My wonderful Beta to get a free moment. I was too chicken shit to disturb a genius at work. :)~~ Beta'd by the ever wonderful [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[amazonx](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/).

Title: True Colors  
Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Carson starts to notice something. (Line spoiler for Sateda)  
Note: ~~Not beta'd. waiting for My wonderful Beta to get a free moment. I was too chicken shit to disturb a genius at work. :)~~ Beta'd by the ever wonderful [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/).  
Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)  
[My Bonnie Dearie](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32625.html)  
[Just Regrets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/33773.html)  
[Like the First Time](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/34612.html)  
[Patience](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35011.html)  
[A Dream](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35123.html)

**True Colors**

So, Rodney thought that he never looked beyond the surface of anyone? At the time, Carson thought it was just Rodney projecting. Certainly, the self-absorbed McKay felt his own position on the mission was more important, more vital than, say, most everyone else's position, with perhaps the exception of Elizabeth and Col. Sheppard. Rodney had a way of dismissing people that he felt were not worth his time. It was cold, and cruel and embarrassing to watch. Carson wondered why he had not been a recipient of that arrogant chill.

He remembered the day he met Rodney. At the time, Rodney had been brusque and to the point. Carson had something Rodney needed and Rodney was not about to let social niceties get in the way of progress. Rodney interacted with Carson because he had to. It had been a complete shock for Carson when, one day, Rodney sat with him for lunch at the Antarctic base and actually talked at him! It wasn't talking to him by any stretch of the imagination. No, Rodney talked at him, complaining about this and that, the state of the food, the lack of cooperation by other factors of the research expedition, Carson's own inadequacies in getting the Control Chair to function in a non-erratic manner.

Rodney talked and Carson listened in stunned silence, too boggled to even be angry when Rodney openly insulted him on his performance anxiety. Thus began their friendship - so to speak. After a while, Carson learned to get a few words in edge-wise. When he finally challenged the great ego of Dr. Rodney McKay and found that he was still in the man's 'good book,' that was when he knew that Rodney valued him.

"You never look beyond the surface of anyone, do you!"

Perhaps Rodney was trying to tell him something. It wasn't projection. It was a wish. Rodney wanted Carson to acknowledge his value of him? It was funny, in a way. All the times Carson actually had acknowledged Rodney's friendship, Rodney had either not been there or had not been conscious to witness.

Deep inside, Rodney was a wonderful human being that actually gave a damn about his friends. That had to be incredibly inconvenient for the narcissist that ruled Rodney's brain most of the time. But Carson had seen the human being. He liked him a lot. He was this guy who thought Ronon was his buddy and called Teyla a pretty girl. He was this wonderful fellow who worried about Col. Sheppard enough to want to lead the team that would rescue him. He was the bloke who chewed on his fingernails over Elizabeth's sickbed, trying to think of anything that he could do to help stop the nanites.

That was when Rodney showed his true colors, just like that song. Maybe no one else noticed, or maybe they did. Carson saw them. Those small glimpses at the human being who cared often stopped Carson's tongue from dealing the man a harsher blow; for Carson was certain he could give Rodney as good as he gave out. Carson didn't.

Sometimes, when that lovely human being shone through, he would also show a bitter, dark place in his soul. Rodney didn't like himself very much. He blamed himself for so many things. He didn't know if people liked him. He wasn't sure why anyone valued him beyond his intellect.

Yes, that was it! Rodney needed to know that at least one of his friends did see beyond the surface. There was value to Rodney McKay beyond the brilliant astrophysicist.

Carson smiled to himself. He had just the thing. There was nothing Rodney loved more than food. The last care packages through the gate had included a whole tin of his Mum's best Ginger oatcake biscuits. It was time to share.

End: True Colors


	11. Strange Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What we didn't see happening during Jeannie Millers visit with her brother (Obviously there are spoilers for "McKay and Mrs. Miller.")

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by the ever wonderful [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[amazonx](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/). Got nothin' but love for ya, babe!

Title: Strange Days  
Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Summary: What we didn't see happening during Jeannie Millers visit with her brother (Obviously there are spoilers for "McKay and Mrs. Miller.")  
Note: Beta'd by the ever wonderful [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/). Got nothin' but love for ya, babe!  
Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)  
[My Bonnie Dearie](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32625.html)  
[Just Regrets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/33773.html)  
[Like the First Time](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/34612.html)  
[Patience](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35011.html)  
[A Dream](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35123.html)  
[True Colors](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35345.html)

**Strange Days**

Jeannie on Atlantis had been the beginning of a very strange week. No, he took that back, Carson shoving that box of his mom's cookies at him had been the beginning of a very strange week. And as much as Rodney wanted to believe the motives were about friendship, he had walked back to his quarters puzzled and a bit confused. He sat aside the box on a counter, feeling vaguely uneasy that his first inclination was suspicion. It shouldn't be like that when you cared about someone. He didn't get a chance to contemplate it further. He was summoned to the Main Physics Lab for a brief consultation that took his attention away from other cares.

Rod's arrival the next day had seemed to be the perfect show-stopper for a horrendously, stunningly terrible week. The man smiled too much, and it put Rodney's teeth on edge. He made people laugh in ways Rodney could not. When Rod talked, Rodney noticed people making these stupid, little happy sighs like they just got a whiff of fresh air. Elizabeth had sent Rod off to be examined by Carson, first and foremost. After studying the man's genuine popularity about the city, Rodney's stomach clenched when he thought of how that meeting must have went.

But despite how he felt about Carson, nothing hurt worse than the idea that his own baby sister, Jeannie may have liked the schmuck more than him. That was actually unbearable, and it had nothing to do with pride.

Fortunately for him, Rod decided he needed to go back and Jeannie decided she rather liked her normal old big brother after all.

The morning Jeannie left, he brought her coffee, sitting down with her in his quarters. He had seen the forgotten box of cookies and brought them down to share. After the first bite, she had smiled in pleasure.

"These are great!" she exclaimed. "Where did you get them?"

Rodney shrugged. "Carson's mom made a bunch. Carson gave some to me."

Jeannie nodded after a sip of coffee, relishing the ginger-sweet taste of the cookie against the warm, bitter flavor of the coffee. "You see, Mer, people like you," she said before she took a second bite.  
****  
Meeting Rod had at first been the most unnerving experience of Carson's life. When he saw the man, he had immediately steeled himself for the condescending, aggravating attitude that would make his day just a little bit drearier. But then Rod had smiled, and it was this open, friendly thing like he was actually pleased to see Carson. His eyes had actually lit up with pleasure! Carson had blinked at him and then proceeded with the exam, listening in stunned silence as the man who looked amazingly enough like Rodney McKay had chatted in friendly excitement.

He had been anxious to talk with his counter part, but he had also understood why the exam was necessary. He had not resisted; in fact, he had been very cooperative. And the way he had looked at Carson had caused Carson's heart to leap to his throat. Usually, Carson said very little when he dealt with McKay because he could rarely get a word in edgewise. That day he had been quiet for a different reason.

The next evening, Rod had come to the infirmary on his own. Carson had known it was Rod and not Rodney when he had saw the man's eyes light up upon seeing him there at his work space.

"You need something?" Carson asked.

"Not really," Rod had answered in a voice that had mildly unnerved Carson. It was too soft, too gentle. "I just wanted to talk."

"Right then." Carson had felt a little disorientated at first, but as the conversation progressed, as they had begun to share the similarities and incongruities of their universes, Carson had found himself more at ease around a 'Rodney McKay' than he had ever been in his entire strange friendship with the man. Carson had told him.

"You are far easier to talk to," he had said.

Rod had smiled, even blushed, looking away. "I always enjoy talking to you, too… Ah, I mean my Carson, of course," he added quickly.

"Aye, of course," Carson had agreed. He hadn't thought about the fact that Rod was too close. It hadn't occurred to him until it was too late that Rod had seemed to be getting closer.

It had taken him completely by surprise. It had barely been a kiss. It had been more a soft touching of lips, and Carson had known that Rod, after having felt Carson's utter astonishment, sensed his error and aborted before the kiss could be anything more than a mere touching of lips.

Carson had stared at the man dumbfounded, while Rod shook his head spouting "I'm sorry"s and tripping over himself to put distance between them.

"You see, my Carson…" Rod did not complete the sentence. He gestured pointing back and forth between them, his mouth opening and closing, but he obviously had no appropriate words to offer to explain his situation. Strangely enough, however, Carson had understood the whole of it in that instant. He had felt his eyes grow all the more wide and the heat of a blush rise to tingle his cheeks.

"I should go." Rod pointed back to the door that lead out to the main infirmary. Without waiting for a reply, the man turned and walked quickly out.

The day Rod left, he had come to see Carson one last time and apologize again.

"It's different here," Rod had smiled.

"Aye…yes. That, I'm sure, it is."

"So many nice people," Rod continued. "I didn't get along with a lot of people in my universe."

"Seems unfortunate," Carson had stated politely.

"Except for Jeannie and you," Rod continued, his eyes had grown far more serious and a bit sad. "And I realized, I have to try to get home…for them."

It had taken Carson's breath away.

Rod had made it home. At least, that is what Rodney had said. It had cost them the ZPM, but Carson figured it was worth it.

On his way up from the infirmary to deliver his morning reports to Elizabeth, Carson paused at the large bayside window that walled the second landing of the tower stair, just as the Daedalus was lifting off. It lifted smoothly, sending puffs of sea spray up in steamy clouds that sparkled and danced with rainbows. The blue water below it showed a thousand bright, tinted ripples that fanned away, rolling into a larger wake as it pushed free of the Altantean artificial bay. Carson could see a lone figure standing on the platform below. Carson was sure the lone figure was being buffeted by the wind and the mist of the Daedalus rising, and yet he stayed, face up towards the starship shining in the sunlight, waving his baby sister farewell.

End: Strange Days


	12. SGA FIC: Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney takes mental stock. (Spoilers for The Return parts 1 and 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rodney POV. Part of Discrete Packets series.

**Things**  
Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Notes: Rodney POV. Part of Discrete Packets series.  
Summary: Rodney takes mental stock. (Spoilers for The Return parts 1 and 2)  
Note: Beta'd by the ever wonderful [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/).  
Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)  
[My Bonnie Dearie](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32625.html)  
[Just Regrets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/33773.html)  
[Like the First Time](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/34612.html)  
[Patience](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35011.html)  
[A Dream](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35123.html)  
[True Colors](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35345.html)  
[Strange Days](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35604.html)

  
~*~  
Things… Things that I have. I have renewed clearance in the system. I have to work fast. What I'm doing is going to show up on every tech's screen in the gate room and in auxiliary power control. Things that I have. I don't have a lot of time. That's a given. When have I ever worked with that luxury? No one appreciates what it is to have to think long strings of code and complex algorithms on your feet. They can think on their feet, but not like I have to. They don't understand. None of them understand really. They just expect me to do what would take a normal, possibly above average engineer a whole day to figure out on paper first. Do Rodney. Don't fuss, Rodney, and sure as hell don't fail, Rodney.

Things I have. I have Sheppard breathing down my neck… as usual. He's concerned. He thinks something will go wrong. He needs to back off and let me work. He's a bastard sometimes. It's unfair. If they depend on my intellect so much, you would think I could get a little better treatment, just some respect.

Okay, that wasn't fair on my part. I know they all respect me. They are just very, very worried. God, I'm scared. We are about to go charging back into an Atlantis swarming with replicators.

Things. Stay focus, Rodney. Got a lot of things going on at once. Ah God, what is Carson on about now?

Carson? Carson… No. No time to think of Carson. Stop it. Shut up. Oh God, he's going on about his pet turtles? Please make him stop. I don't need this distraction. I don't need to remember that he is here, and he probably shouldn't be here. Carson, why didn't you just stay at home?

What do I have? What do I need? I have my two hands. I have my brain. I have my focus. I have a plan, that if I can get Lt. Colonel rough-n-ready to stop busting my chops about, I'll be able to refine. I have people around me I can trust to watch my back.

I need more time. Not gonna get that. I need a stable power source like a hardwired ZPM to send this delicate signal with the least amount of resistance. Nope, not getting that either. I need to pee… Never mind on that one.

I need Carson to be home safe where he belongs. That's one thing I would pay dearly to have. However, I couldn't imagine charging into my impending demise with out him by my side. I have too many things to consider. I have too many things to regret.

End: Things


	13. FIC SGA: Just this Guy…(Discrete packets Series)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney's brush with infinity as seen through a filter. (Spoilers for "The Tao of Rodney")

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rodney POV

Just this Guy…  
Fandom: SG:A  
Author: E. Batagur  
Pairing: Beckett/McKay  
Rating: PG  
Notes: Rodney POV  
Summary: Rodney's brush with infinity as seen through a filter. (Spoilers for "The Tao of Rodney")  
Beta'd by [](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/profile)[**amazonx**](http://amazonx.livejournal.com/)

Continued from Discrete packets Series  
[Memory in discrete packets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30504.html)  
[The memory of smell](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/30796.html)  
[The memory of touch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31147.html)  
[The memory of taste](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31339.html)  
[That Made Her the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31554.html)  
[If He Only Could](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/31893.html)  
[Thus Spoke the Adversary](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32102.html)  
[My Bonnie Dearie](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/32625.html)  
[Just Regrets](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/33773.html)  
[Like the First Time](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/34612.html)  
[Patience](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35011.html)  
[A Dream](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35123.html)  
[True Colors](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35345.html)  
[Strange Days](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/35604.html)  
[Things](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/36684.html)

Just this Guy…

 

One of these days, he would go too far. One of these days, he would touch something, activate something, or just sneeze in the wrong place and he, Meredith Rodney McKay, would be pulverized. What was the use of being a genius if you're dead?

Or ascended?

It couldn't be all that tough to ascend. After all, everyone thought Sheppard had the inside track simply because he spent some time in a time dilatation commune with a bunch of Zen-seeking children of hippie-ancients. If Sheppard was a likely candidate, how hard could it be? Really?

Okay, it was hard… really hard. Meditation was useless to Rodney. Clearing a mind that loved and sought to be filled was a pointless endeavor. Rodney even preferred thinking and pondering over sleep. Meditation was a pointless form of self-manipulation pretending to be therapeutic.

So, there he was, able to think so many thoughts and dream so many possibilities only to be told that his only hope for survival was to let it all go. Right. Why would he want to let this go? This was bliss. He was the super being he always longed to be, able to leap tall theories in particle physics in a single bound and hear his team mates discussing his so-called eating habits from four tables away. You would think after all this time, those Neanderthals would understand that Hypoglycemia isn't a condition that goes away by ignoring those hunger pangs.

When he started feeling what others felt, he was shocked by the intimacy of it. He wanted no part of other people's thoughts, but suddenly he was getting the random flavor of all the minds that passed him and move around him. He didn't like most of what he heard, and he was surprised by the rest. Jeannie had been right. People did like him more than he knew.

Carson liked him. Carson looked at him when the end was so close, and, for a brief moment, he felt enwrapped in love. A friend, a brother, and was there more? So very close. Rodney looked at Carson's face and into blue eyes that were windows to a pure and loving soul.

"Thank you… for everything."

Sweet smile. So much love. Regret. Rodney began to slip away with that small regret still on the edge of what was left of his consciousness.

_I would have liked to have loved you, Rodney._

_He wanted me. He wanted me?_

His brain kick started at the revelation, burning like quick flash of fusion. It came to the conclusions and conditions necessary. It clawed back to the painful reality of living in flesh, and then it reached out to the only mind he knew he could trust with the knowledge. He collapsed into clinical death feeling Carson's overwhelming shock and surprise searing his last thoughts.

He awoke in the same stupid lab the whole ordeal started in with at least half of Atlantis standing around gawking at him. He looked at Carson and knew that he had done it. Problem solved… but why?

It took him a full day to realize that the thoughts, the knowledge, and powers were gone, leaving him bereft and empty. It took a lot of the memories too. He had only a vague notion about his final hour, on the edge of death and ascension. He knew most of what he did and said, but there were holes, big, bad, ugly holes. His mind burned with the single question: Why?

It didn't matter now. All those big thoughts in his head were gone like the beer and pizza during the last five minutes of a Vancouver Canucks game. He couldn't even make sense of the stuff he left behind to remind him. It was frustrating.

It didn't matter in the big picture, he guessed. He was just this guy who liked to think, and people liked him.

Rodney moved on feeling a little lighter about the future.

End: Just this Guy


	14. FIC: Forward (Beckett/McKay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rodney prepares for hope. Missing scene from Kindred part II, just before Carson goes into stasis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd person. There should be two more installments before this one but I couldn't resist.

You know, I never included several small snippets to my Discrete Packets Series. Two of which were called [The Watch](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/34080.html) and [Rape](http://soulsistahslash.livejournal.com/34474.html)

You can access the rest of the series here at [my web site's SGA page](http://www.soulsistahslash.com/_private/Batagur1/stargate____atlantis.htm)

 

**Forward**  
 **Author:** E. Batagur [](http://batagur.livejournal.com/profile)[**batagur**](http://batagur.livejournal.com/)  
 **Pairing:** Beckett/McKay  
 **Rating:** PG  
 **Summary:** Rodney prepares for hope. Missing scene from Kindred part II, just before Carson goes into stasis.  
 **Notes:** 2nd person. There should be two more installments before this one but I couldn't resist.  
Not beta'd  
 **Disclaimer:** I don't own them and I am not doing this for profit

  
~*~  
Forward. You have to look forward. One didn't go forward by constantly looking back. This wasn't your Carson… but it had been so very real. This Carson didn't know about the crazy year you had with Jeannie and the other Rodney and the nearly ascending and the replicators chasing you from A to Z. But he was Carson in so many other ways. His smile still warmed you all over like the sunrise shining off the central tower of the city. His voice still thrilled you with possibilities. He is still the single soul who perhaps understands you best out of the many who called you acquaintance or even friend.

Your best friend returned to you, and you refuse to lose him again. So even while he quietly refuses the future, you prepare the stasis chamber. The problem being that long term stasis is no solution, you take into account all possible out comes. You plan for the day he will be returned to you. There are so many promises left to keep. Your hope is all you have left to hold on to, but it is so much more than the empty grief that consumed your soul before. You'll take it.

You calibrate with painstaking precision and care the chamber that will hold your very heart in stasis. No one knows but him, because you finally broke the silence. You smile to yourself as you realize how much you owe poor dear Katie. If you learned anything from her, you learned how fragile life and love really is, and to follow your heart or prepare to live with disappointment. You had been living too long with disappointment. Disappointment sucked as a life partner. You wanted to follow your heart for once.

It had still been hard. It was the hardest damn thing you ever done, and although you would have found calling Ronon a thick-necked loser with a few missing chromosomes in front of all Atlantis while standing in the sparring circle with him an easier task, you had still found voice enough to stumble through the words.

"Carson, please, I lost you once… I just can't lose you again…. It would kill me."

Had it been you who had said so much? Yes, it had been! It had been you who looked into his caring eyes and said those words as he denied this one chance of survival. It had been you who who took his hand and whispered "Please," again. It had been you who captured his lips in a swift kiss before he could turn away, and tune you out.

His lips were soft and familiar and here had been where you thanked the impetuous Laura Cadman for that small blessing. You could not have gone forward so boldly if you had not felt that comforting familiarity so warm and gentle against your lips. Shocked into surrender again, Carson had not pulled away. You had been trembling with passion held too long in check. Here he was, the love you had been looking for, on the other end of your kiss. How had you become so fortunate to be allowed a second chance?

"Just another day in outer space."

You chuckle at John's shrugged comment now as you tighten up parameters. How many heart beats per hours? How many breaths per days? There is a fine balance of time dilatation to hibernation to be maintained. No room for error.

"Rodney!" Carson had breathed out as you released the kiss. You had been very afraid and you had no point of reference to compare the fear to. It wasn't like the usual fearing for your life or for your sanity. Even fearing Katie's reply had not been so intense. Maybe it had been because Carson's life was on the line and not just your heart.

"Please," You had whispered again. You had trembled inside, waiting, looking into his blue eyes and watching your very world dangle on a thread.

When he had pulled you into his strong embrace, you had felt the tears behind your eyes threaten too strongly, and you had squeezed them shut. No kiss in this whole univerase had tasted sweeter than the one he placed on your own lips in return.

"I'm not going any where, Rodney."

Those soft words were practically "I love you" sung into your ears.

You have hope to hold on to. Forward into a thousand tomorrows that have yet to come, Carson will be with you, and you with him. You promise yourself.

And you smile again.

End Forward.


End file.
